I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
