Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
