if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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