drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
