Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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