She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
