I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
