6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
