so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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