Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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