We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
