Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize