happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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