This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
