I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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