Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
