Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
