In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
nutella sex= disaster
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
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I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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