Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We left an ass print on the piano.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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