Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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