What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
