Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I am mentally ready for anal.
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