life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
