P.S. I can't hear my feet
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
