I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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