Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
how drunk are you?
Several
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
