I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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