my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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