i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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