I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
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