So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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