I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
