so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
