dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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