Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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