You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
