Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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