now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
