I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
