Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
