Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
