Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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