She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
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I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
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yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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