Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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