bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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