dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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