Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
