my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
