I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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