I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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