what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't put those talents on a resume
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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