Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You can't just leave with hair like that
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
